While rescue efforts to save the survivors of the Kursk failed, salvage
crews were able to recover a 'Black Box' from the submarine which contained
detailed accounts of the events leading up to the explosion. As luck would
have it, we got a copy of those tapes.
It turns out that the submarine crew was trying to load Microsoft Windows on
their fire control computer. Their intent was to replace the aging CP/M
operating system with the flashier Windows OS. Apparently, the Russians
didn't know about the legendary stability problems exhibited by Windows.
The log tapes make this painfully obvious:
Captain: Is the new fire control Windows OS installed yet Comrade?
Seaman: Almost Sir. We just need to finish filling out the registration
card.
Captain: Excellent. Soon we will be able to point and click our enemies
into oblivian.
[evil laughter in background]
Seaman: Comrade Captain! It is booting! Look, it says "Preparing to run
Windows for the first time".
[long pause]
Seaman: Arrgh! Sir, it wants me to reboot again. That makes the 27th time.
Captain: Hmmm. This is not encouraging. Go ahead and reboot again.
Seaman: Aye Sir.
[another long pause]
Seaman: Captain, it is up again. It says it found new hardware ... A CD-ROM
drive and that it needs drivers.
Captain: Where are the drivers?
Seaman: On the CD-ROM.
Captain: You are joking, no?
Seaman: No Sir.
Captain: Reboot the damn thing again. I am starting not to like this
Windows.
[another long pause]
Seaman: Sir! It is back! It says it found the Gorby2000 Torpedo and is
looking for the device drivers. Do we have a driver disk?
Captain: I do not think so.
Seaman: I will tell it to use the default drivers.
[another long pause]
Seaman: Crap. It wants to reboot again.
Captain: How many times are we going to reboot today? This is taking
forever. Our hull is going to rust out before this works.
[another long pause]
Seaman: Sir! It is up and this time it is not asking for anything!
Captain: Really? No device drivers? No registration cards? No user
profiles?
Seaman: No Sir. I think it is ready.
Captain: Good work comrade. Now click on the fire control icon and let us
see how this works.
Seaman: Clicking now, Sir.
[another long pause]
Captain: Why does the fire control screen have a dancing paper clip on it?
Seaman: I have no idea Sir.
Captain: Hmmm, well try clicking on the menu.
Seaman: Aye Sir. Let us see; Open E-mail, Spam a friend, Mail a Virus, Fire
a Torpedo...
Captain: We will spam a friend later. Let us fire a torpedo.
Seaman: Aye Sir.
[another long pause]
Seaman: It is asking us to load the torpedo and to click when ready.
Captain: Torpedo room, load a torpedo in tube number 1!
[intercom:] This is the Torpedo room. The torpedo is loaded Sir.
Captain: Click on the continue button.
Seaman: Aye Sir.
[another long pause]
Seaman: It is asking for a target Sir.
Captain: Hmmm, target the Rainbow Warrior.
Seaman: Aye Sir. Damn! It says the torpedo is low on ink.
Captain: Click ignore. We will get some ink when we return to base.
Seaman: Aye Sir. We are ready to fire.
Captain: Very good. You may fire when ready comrade.
Seaman: Firing torpedo Sir.
[another really long pause]
Captain: Well?
Seaman: I am trying Sir. Nothing is happening. Wait a minute....
[a loud explosion is heard in the background followed by screaming on
intercom]
Captain: WTF was that?!?!?
Seaman: Captain! A new screen has appeared! Outlook Express Fire Control
has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down. Click 'OK' to
continue.
Seaman: Oh my God! The paper clip has died! What should I do?
Captain: Shut it down! Shut it down!
Seaman: It is not responding Sir!
Captain: Try 'CTRL-ALT-DELETE'!
Seaman: Aye Sir. We are in luck! The task manager is still operating. I am
instructing the task manager to shut down Outlook Fire Control.
[another long pause]
Seaman: The task manager says that Outlook Fire Control is not responding.
Captain: Well no ****. Tell it to 'end task'.
Seaman: Nothing is happening Sir.
Captain: Try 'CTRL-ALT-DELETE' again.
Seaman: Aye Sir.
[sounds of frantic pecking on keyboard.]
Seaman: Oooh! What a pretty blue screen!
Captain: Holy ****! Not the blue screen of dea....
[ KABLAM! A really big explosion. More screaming and the sound of rushing
water.]
--------------------------------------------------------
The tape ends at this point.
During the week long rescue effort, divers reported hearing tapping in the
form of morse code coming from survivors inside the damaged sub. The
rescuers couldn't understand why a group of men would spend the last of
their strength tapping out "windows sucks" in morse code. The tapes of the
last moments of the Kursk may offer some insight into this.